| Set up |
[Jul. 6th, 2007|11:45 am] |
Alright, so I'm all set. I'm living on the island now in my trailer on the beach. I've got plumbing, electricity, phone and internet. I've also got one very important new service. A gaurd dog (=
His name is Ger, which is short for Gerulus which is supposedly the latin word for Door man, but is also referred to as messenger, which in some form of latin means that those two meanings means it actually refers to the positions an angel might take. In any case he's called Ger, which is just fun to call him and also it sounds like Gir from invader Zim. He's a purebread husky with one green eye and one blue eye. You can see some pictures of him here: Ger. He's going to be seven weeks old on this saturday and he's one kickass dog.
In other news I'm stuck here for a while. If you want to see me, or Brie, or more likely the dog, then you're gunna have to come visit. |
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| Long time waiting |
[Jun. 30th, 2007|12:28 pm] |
Well here's the summary of what's been going on. Members of the Oreo have all moved off into the corners of the world. Mike on the east coast, Sean in the far north, Garreth way off in the sun and fun of Spain, and me in the wettest of west coasts on Vancouver Island. The Oreo has been abolished.
Right now I'm doing the construction thing still and working on Vancouver Island. It's not too shabby. The pace is nice, the people are slow, sorry, the pace is slow, the people are nice. The scenery is astounding. Unless I'm in "town" then I'm surrounded by scenic beaches, mountains, endless forest, age old historic sites or all of the above at once.
The work itself is as brutal as ever. There is only three of us out there working. That means a lot of work must be done by each person to get the job done. Every day after work I get that feeling of 'I should just go back to school.' When I get that feeling it usually means I feel like I'm working too hard under too difficult conditions. I get through them and then the next time I get that feeling I'm able to overcome it and work through it. I find that an accomplishment in itself; however, I still think I should go back to school. Brie suggested I go back into engineering and check out something like Physics engineering to get involved in projects involving energy. To learn how to engineer better batteries, generators, etc. I honestly think it wouldn't be a bad idea. Aside from having to go back to school and all. We will see.
In the mean time I finally also updated my flickr account. I'm also checking my facebook account. I'm also going to be making a different blog at some point. This will be my do-it-yourself blog. It'll have on it all my projects that I'll be undertaking in my spare time. The first projects up there will range from making a bed, to making an actual desk into a desktop computer, to making your own portable phone/emulator/web browser/whatever you want it to be. This last one I'm particularly excited about. The DIY blog will be a little ways away. Internet is hard to come by in the vast expanses of the Island. Till then look at my other sites, bug me on facebook or check out some of my brother's videos ( http://www.joeschweers.com/ , http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=102757276 , http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=amazingfactory , http://www.amazingfactory.com/ ). |
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| Trip Plan Information |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|08:15 pm] |
Below cut is links and photos
( Read more... ) |
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| Snow Camping |
[Dec. 5th, 2006|01:21 am] |
So I haven't posted in a very long time. That's because I haven't had anything too interesting or original to post about. However that changes now!
This Friday, Kieran, Sean and I are going on a snow camping trip to manning park. This will involve cross-country skiing uphill for one and a quarter days, skiing across a meadow for half a day and then skiing back down on the final day. Also on the final day when we get down to the bottom if all goes well there will be a stop in the lodge to use their sauna. Then it's back home for Christmas dinner with friends.
Since it's all back country that also means sleeping outside in tents and thermal sleeping bags. Making food out in the wild, campfires and koombya m'lord. I am thoroughly excited and can't wait to go. I've got all my gear bought and prepared now. Every essential ever needed to survive in the wild. Did my research on the appropriate survival tips and read the entire mountain equipment co-op travel guides. I will follow this post up again with another one just before I leave with a list of links to sites that show manning park info and locations. I'll also include on that post an itinerary and estimated travel times. This is all done to make sure that should something go wrong you can find me and all that. Most of all it's done so that my Mom doesn't worry too much (=
Now to close. When I make it back I will post a journal of the days up there and also the link to my new full flickr account that will show all the pictures Kieran, Sean and I take while up there.
Seeing how excited I am about this trip and how much I enjoy the gear, the prep and the research I can safely say that this may become a big part of my life. Traveling into uncharted or just difficult areas. So I'll be keeping up my health, my rock climbing, my gear and my research and who knows, maybe sometime soon I'll have another adventure to post about. In any case they may be more interesting to read than the hum-drum of the life of a construction worker. |
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| The video game system of the Fuuuuuture |
[Jul. 20th, 2006|11:53 pm] |
This week’s my theory is about video games. A simple safe topic, nothing too controversial, and something I know a fair bit about. So here it is video games, more specifically video game programming. So playing the Xbox 360 has made me realize that graphics and physics engines for these games are feckin incredible. Computer games like half-life 2 have amazing real-time simulations of very complex interactions. Objects have specific weights, hardness, buoyancy, etc. So things are good right? Well not good enough. Games have to continue to get better if they’re going to continue to sell. Who here still plays the old classics? They’re still incredibly entertaining, so why bother spending craploads on a new game?
My solution and theory on where the future of gaming; universal controls and physics engines. Games like halo continue to do well because they’re easily played. People are used to the controls and they’re very straightforward and easy to learn, yet still versatile enough to allow for greater mastery. So in order to have repeat customers who you know will like the game play is to have a universal set of commands. Of course modifications are made to allow for game specifics, but the jist of most games will be made universal.
The physics engine however I feel is what will move a specific game system to new heights. Playing halo 2 I was blown back by the sheer amazingness of the in-game physics. Not only was it incredibly comprehensive, but it was smooth and realistic. It is also now developed. Which means that to make another game, everything is already developed. Add new skins, change the objectives and add a few features and wham, brand new game. This isn’t a brilliant idea, it’s a reality. They made a bunch of mods and added a lot of re-play value to the game. Now the same company, Valve, made a new game that Pat brought to my attention called Puzzle FPS. An absolutely brilliant looking game that simply draws on the physics engine developed for half-life.
Where the physics and controls system really comes in handy is when the physics and controls are installed on the actual game system itself. Then the actual game supplies you with the skins and the features. Hence the cd or dvd you buy is simply just the mod which can cut down significantly on development time and unnecessary confusion for the gamer. This can leave for more time to make better games and at a lower cost with much less need for testing as well.
So this theory sounds well thought out and plausible. It’s a novel idea but why do I put this down as my prediction of things to happen and not just something that may happen, profit. You profit more off this game plan then previous designs. Just like doing a material selection for any design. When cost isn’t taken into effect the answer is diamond or carbon fibre. When you factor in the real world coefficient though, the answer is steel. Why? It’s feckin cheap.
Next week, my theory on the end of the world. Can we stop it, or do we even need to? |
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| Crisotunity |
[Jul. 7th, 2006|12:11 am] |
| [ | current symptoms include |
| | lucky | ] |
So I watched one of those movies where all of a sudden at the tail of the movie things start coming together. All of a sudden you realize the main character isn’t just some lucky hapless loser. In fact he’s a cunning genius who planned out the whole thing from the start. Now, I wouldn’t call myself a cunning genius but when I watched the movie I felt myself relating to the character. Not the character you see at the end of the movie, the cunning genius, but in fact I related to the character you are introduced to in the movie; the lucky fool before the dynamic shift.
The movie progresses and crisis after crisis are taken care of by a lot of apparent luck. Somehow this guy just happens to run into somebody who he needs to run into and the crisis all of a sudden is averted. I find myself thinking, that I’m often saved by somebody I have nearby to help me out. Sometimes I’m saved by luckily having some object with me that day. In most cases for some reason I get by just fine and avoid a crisis.
So as I said the movie progresses. Suddenly it clicks. This guy is way too lucky. Everything is turning out far too well for him and something isn’t right. In my mirrored mind I realize in my life that there has to be something behind my continual crisis aversions. This guy in the movie is playing these people; he’s got a master plan. I realize things I set out to do years ago are coming true. I’m achieving goals. Characteristics that I found favorable in others have become mainstay in my own life. Suddenly a twist, the plot has been revealed. The protagonist and the apparent antagonist are in league. The very stress that has me worried is what’s driving me to do something, there’s something I set out to do and my mind is stressing me to do it. The antagonist has fooled them all; he’s duped the lot of them and gotten away with some big score. I realize I’ve done it. Those values I so coveted as a child have been attained. Those aspirations I held are closer and closer. The fears are conquered. So once again I find that luck is nothing but preparation and the opportunity. Either that or maybe the movie was just really good at drawing you into relating with the main character. In any case it’s a feel good movie. |
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| Pepito is angry |
[Apr. 15th, 2006|09:42 pm] |
Well it’s been quite a while since my last post, it’s finals time and that means procrastination. Last night was awards night. The awards were great (= I especially liked the nerdiness of the awards. Congrats to the winners. Alasdair put in a lot of effort into the set up and the paper crane award names was a great touch. The after party was great. A few of us met up with Leroy and after that the night seemed to be pretty much over.
As of late there has been a lot of focus on my finals. It’s time to get them done. Crunch time you could say, it’s time for the best players to be the best players, gotta fire on all cylinders, put in 110%, gut check time, focus on the basics and the rest should come, it’s now or never, do or die. What, the Canucks didn’t get in so the clichés have to appear somewhere. One final is done and that one went very well. It was expected though since this was the class that I knew fairly well and I barely failed it the first time and that was due to a huge, yet simple, mistake on the final. The next two will be a bit more of a challenge.
( Read more... ) |
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| Insightful introspection illuminating important individual information |
[Mar. 20th, 2006|09:49 pm] |
T one point in my life I just wanted out. I felt that death could bring the end to a lot of pain that was hard to take. Pain which at the time was nothing compared to what I’ve seen. A pain though that at the time I was completely un-used to. Since then it’s safe to say that I’ve overcome this pain. I’ve overcome my longing for a way out in the form of death. I didn’t get out clean though. There seems to be little things that were a very large consequence of that day. Of those days, of that time when I felt all was lost. Some things may be somewhat beneficial at times. I’m not exactly afraid of dying; I also know what my threshold on physical pain is. It sounds disturbing to say that, even typing this out kind of makes me uneasy. Though why I’m typing it out now is because I’ve realized yet another way it’s hurt me.
Thinking that someday I was going to finally do it to end it all, I started putting things on hold. Things I didn’t think were important or consequential. I still went to my classes and did all the regular things in the day that were more habit than anything else. What I didn’t do was worry about the consequences of letting go of certain things. After I thought that it wouldn’t matter anymore I put on a tough, you can’t hurt me anymore, state of mind to the way I dealt with people. I didn’t care what they said to me because it wouldn’t matter some day. If I could just tough it out a little longer they would have nothing on me. I guess eventually they did have something on me. That day never came where things wouldn’t matter.
Do people really get it right the first time? I know I keep in good physical shape by checking the signs, getting my exercise, eating somewhat right and checking in when I get really sick. I just never knew how much that applied to the mind as well. I never checked the signs; I just thought I was different. I never knew what to do when things fell apart. For a while I was too proud to see any counselor for it. When I finally did see somebody what they said has stuck with me for quite a while. It’s helped me to get through a lot of the hard times, and to get some of my motivation back. I went back once again; to somebody else this time, and for my grief more than anything. That may have helped somewhat... not nearly as much as the first time, but this was one of those process things. You can’t speed it up; you can only let it run its course.
So my depression days not only have a lasting effect on my future because of the actions I took back then, but they’ve also found a way to last. Compound that with having to deal with a very difficult situation, in stressful times and people say I’m holding together very well all things considered. I think I’m holding well all things considered. I still have to tell myself though that it’s alright when I burst into tears. I still have to tell myself that sometimes it’s alright to not feel like having fun one night. Right now I’ve also realized how important it is to keep on top of my actions. If I let myself slip like I did before and do something, or keep a certain point of view then eventually it may cause problems in my future. Man... I feel old because of that. I may actually be realizing what it takes to be responsible. Aside from that little boost of confidence though, I still wish things would progress a little faster. I still wish I didn’t have these moments like I did today. Sitting there watching TV in a room full of people and feeling like I was going to cry. Leaving the room would have definitely tipped people off due to the content at the time. I began to worry if I would make it through the scene without crying. I wondered if it would matter if I did. Luckily I did hold it together. It’s a sign of both progress and trouble. Progress because now I do care about situations at hand. I can once again let things that are moving move me. Trouble though because I must be holding things in at other times. It was fully reasonable to feel sad watching this scene, but not to the point of tears. That little extra comes from something built up. I think I saw it coming during the weekend… I just ignored it. I guess I’m not totally responsible. |
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| Verifiably vivacious while very vague over violent yet vindicated vendetta |
[Mar. 20th, 2006|02:31 pm] |
I’m not one to watch a movie more than once with the exception of watching it again for entertainment value or because it was a classic. V for Vendetta I saw for the second time because I knew I missed something the first time. I’m still missing some the second time. The movie was incredible. Maybe it’s because I’ve been doing engineering for the past five years, or maybe it’s because I haven’t taken an arts course in years that when I saw the movie the first time I missed so much of it. Seeing it again I was able to notice a lot more of the symbolism in the movie. I could also pick up on the sub-plots and the other themes. It’s been so long since I’ve ever done a proper review of something; think back to high school when the teacher asked you to find all the examples of symbolism and metaphors in this chapter. Or when you had to name all the underlying themes throughout the book. “What was this characters motivation for change here?” Those things were never found the first time you read it. All of that was missed the first time I saw V for Vendetta.
The rest could potentially be a spoiler, so you have been warned.
( Read more... ) |
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[Mar. 13th, 2006|12:06 am] |
| [ | current symptoms include |
| |  over-tired | ] |
| [ | the voices are singing |
| | Foos | ] |
Damn I’m in a shitty mood right now. Sometimes people can be so messed up. Sometimes people can get it so bad in life and then get it even worse. You see that person that seems like a complete asshole. You make fun of somebody on a daily basis. You wonder why somebody is so mean or so cold or so weird or so normal. It makes it worse for them. They had it bad perhaps, and now it’s just getting worse. It might take a minute of your time; it might take a day, just to ask them why. They might slam it back at you, they might say something, and they might tell you everything. On top of that though you will have to avoid making fun of them, or avoid stewing over what they said to you. I guess I can see why it doesn’t happen all the time. I can see why I don’t do it all the time. I’m just ragging on people though because I’m in a bad mood and it’s getting to me. Everything is getting to me.
Sometimes you get it bad, and then it gets worse. Everything at home is kind of a calm before the storm kind of thing. My grandpa is sick, my nana is sick, my cat is sick. It’s the kind of thing that my sister said “I know you this isn’t the kind of thing you want to hear when you come home.” To be honest it’s not the kind of thing I ever want to hear, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t hear about it. It takes a while for it all to sink in and then I start to think about what this means I have to do. My cat is going to the vet, so we’ll wait for news on that. My grandpa is going to the doctor, this time with somebody to try and help manage all the different medication he has to take and hopefully, hopefully something good happens for my nana. What I have to do about it is be there to help my grandpa. Visit my mom some more because she’s going to have a hard time dealing with her mom being sick. Hope the cat gets better and stop being in a shitty mood myself.
I had full intent to rant on and on in this post; to slam a few stereotypes and say a few things in my defense for some of my actions. I guess when I got back from my drive from home though, I was just sick of it all; too burnt out to deal with giving my piece of mind. So consider yourself lucky you stereotypical ner-do-wellers. But next time… next time. |
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| mexico finale |
[Mar. 10th, 2006|07:03 pm] |
So I spose I should finish up the whole Mexico trip. ( So here it goes )
All in all the trip was incredible. I could have used a vacation afterwards to unwind but that’s what school is for right. I may be back in mexico sometime soon as it is. I think now that I’ve done the party party party trip it’s time for me to do a little more of the touristy trips. Explore places and see things outside of America does mexico. Really all we saw was the protected part of mexico, America with a Mexican feeling to it, and a really nice backdrop. With my success in rock climbing I plan to climb around the world. All I need is some money, some gear, and somebody to climb with, any takers? |
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| The Taoism of Poo? Rebooted |
[Mar. 2nd, 2006|10:10 pm] |
| [ | current symptoms include |
| |  self-assisted | ] |
| [ | the voices are singing |
| | The Mars Volta | ] |
I feel like if I even begin to explain my apathy to this post I'll just be trying to justify me being lazy. Really though the idea comes from what I think is called the Taoism of Poo. Where that comes from I have no idea, and the likelihood of that being what it's really called is extremely slim. The jist of whatever it's called is this, don't bother explaining anything to anyone, just draw the circle for them. They'll see the symbol and then derive from it what it means. With all the thoughts running through one's mind, sometimes all they need is a slight stimulus to give them that jolt they need. It's like when people take a coincidence to be a meaningful sign. It may be completely foolish, but sometimes it can lead to wonderful things, and sometimes it's all you needed to help you arrange all those thoughts. There's more to it all, along the lines of connotations of words, lack of vocabularies, incongruent definitions and the like. I suppose if I were so inclined I could look it all up. Or just leave it at what was said.
With that said, here's the circle.
Congratulations. This update is now complete.
You now have the most recent version of this software.
Please press reset to continue.
“Ah shit, I completely screwed up that part of the level.”
“Just reset it and do it right this time.”
“So you ran away from home. Why?”
“To start over I guess.”
"I have no idea what's wrong. Screw it I'm just resetting it."
"Heh you set it to French and now you have no idea what it says, well the translator says that défaut is French for default, find that and just reset everything to default settings."
The power source was interrupted and caused an unexpected shut down. Please wait while the computer scans the hard disk for any damage.
"Haha, you didn't save? Oh man, now you have to start from the beginning again. Well that's what you get for resetting."
"He's completely lost in life. He's drifted around so much he has no home anymore. He has no place... he's lost."
"Great, I reset it and now it won't even start."
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| Mexcio, part dos |
[Feb. 21st, 2006|04:45 pm] |
| [ | current symptoms include |
| | it's cold again | ] |
| [ | the voices are singing |
| | the uber collection of incredible songs from brie | ] |
So it’s Saturday night and we’re headed downtown. Back on the Mexican roads and we need a nice sit down restaurant to grab some food and drinks. The cabbie tells us he’ll take us to Taco Mendoza. Sounds alright. We bomb downtown and pass by all the clubs and the beach and all and then end up at some intersection with no tourists in sight. This place looks authentic. He stops on the corner and says it’s just up ahead. We all pile out and stand there in our stupor looking around. We see no restaurant called taco Mendoza around. Then somebody notices the stand on the side of the road. Written on it; “Taco Mendoza”. A fricken road stand. Realizing though that on the way we saw no restaurants open we knew this was our only chance for food. We pay our pesos and low and behold it turns out to be the best food of the whole trip.
With food we needed beer. We wandered back to the clubs we saw on the way in and went into some club. I can’t remember which. All I know is that all the drinks were two for one and I somehow lost my camera there. First night and I lose my camera. I was glad I went with the disposable. No big events for the night, just the usual toasts to a good trip and then drinking, being merry and heading back home.
Next morning we stumble out of bed in time for lunch at the all you can eat buffet. This buffet, while being in Mexico, only served Mexican food one day while we were there. Apparently there were themes to the meals, I didn’t see it. I think every day was totem caf theme day. The drinks though, those had a definite theme, alcoholic. After seeing my large list of drinks I could pick from I decided it would be my mission to try them all. I put a fair dent in that list on the very first day of drinking. I actually put two large dents in that list cause every drink I got, I got two of. Just to have a greater sample range. The rest of the details for that day went fuzzy already. They were fuzzy the day after. We went to a club, we met all the Canadians that were at our hotel, and we drank some more.
Ah wait I remember more of Sunday night now. Jeeves, Jeeves was one of the youngins that came along on the trip. A true totem kid. A true six foot something East Indian totem kid. Well Jeeves came out partying with us at the club. We lost him at one point though, he went out on the beach to talk to his girl. Then he runs into some Mexicans and goes back to there place to party. Ends up getting up to who knows what, who, not Jeeves. He comes back home though the next morning at 9am.
So Monday morning when we all struggle to get up it’s quite clear that Melissa, Jeeves and I are not goin. The mind is ready but the body is not willing. So we sleep that day. Me and Melissa go on our own little tour when we’re finally mobile and check out the nearby shops. At one point we thought of getting on a bus to travel around, then realized that’s exactly how a story would start that would end like, “and that’s how I ended up face to face with a drug lord from Mexico city.” So after thinking better of it and just return to the hotel and lounge around in the sun. Then once again start up the drinks and head out that night.
Tuesday getting up was slow. Not as slow as Monday but refreshingly slow. It was a take it easy day. We took it easy, until the night of course. That day all we did was plan the booze cruise and wait around while Sha went scuba diving. That night we went out to another club. I got fairly drunk and thought that it would be a good idea to dance on the bar. Now I wasn’t the first to think this. There were already plenty of people on the bar. So I got up, possibly made a fool of myself, but not so bad as Jeeves did. Jeeves hoped up on the bar, did a nice 360 on his back heel and then did a nice dive into the bar. He fell about 6 feet onto his back and didn’t hurt himself. He lucked out and landed right between a stack of mugs and a drink machine. After that fall I was convinced the drinks in Mexico made you invincible.
Now it’s worth it to tell you a little about Jeeves. Everyone at the hotel knew him. He just got there, but everyone knew him. Somebody bought him a hat while he was there cause they were good friends of all of one conversation. He was everyone’s friend and thus the party was always with Jeeves. He was a great addition to our Mexico crew. With him around we were always sure to have a party. Or at least a good story. But I’m bored of writing again so next time I’ll tell you how I saved him from the Mexican jails. |
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| The trip down |
[Feb. 20th, 2006|02:03 am] |
| [ | current symptoms include |
| |  strugglin | ] |
| [ | the voices are singing |
| | those spanish lesssons i lost | ] |
So in case you didn’t know I was in Puerto Vallarta Mexico this last week. Now, an attempt to write down what happened in Mexico. That is, what I remember happening, and the way I remember it going down, and yes, everything there went down. Tequila, rum, vodka, beer, beer, tequila, more rum, a lot more rum, and then a mix of everything else all went down. Now this could be one long entry, but considering I get bored writing it I know you get bored reading it. So it’ll come in installments. This one covers the trip down all the way to reaching the hotel. Yes, this much stuff happened before we even drank our first sip of tequila.
Let’s start with the trip down. Really though, the trip down started far in advance. Many people seemed to already be in Mexico before they had even left the country yet. Heads were in the clouds and luggage was in the bags. I was intent on getting some more songs on my iRiver. I had to include the last few mp3s that were going to teach me some Spanish on the plane ride. At the least it would teach me the Spanish I should listen for if I wanted to keep out of trouble. Then it happened. The whole of my electronic existence blipped out. The computer crashed. I don’t mean stalled or rebooted kind of funny crashed. I mean it rebooted and had lost the CPU power to run taskmanager crashed. This crash also in turn wiped my iRiver clean of all its music; that meant no Spanish lessons, and no music, and worst of all, no computer.
The next day was the Friday, “The Friday”, the day of departure, the day every single person from the crew had been counting down to since we bought out tickets in the fall.
The Friday of my first midterm in over 10 months. Was I worried? No, my worries lay amongst whether I had packed everything. Should I have been worried? Yes. I had studied next to nothing; I had practiced enough to know I was screwed. I had resigned to the fact that 10% of my grade was going to be determined by how far I could get tequila away from O.D.E.s in my brain. Somehow it didn’t seem to matter. Somehow the Mexican gods wanted me to go on a clean slate and they passed my test for me. They aced it for me. I thanked them by sacrificing my body to their tequila many times over.
The trip down to Seattle was nothing special, the night there was. I of course get lost in Seattle, who doesn’t. Well apparently Garreth doesn’t but come on he had fireworks to lead him there. So I end up missing Brie’s place and the hotel and end up in some little town where the sole source of entertainment is sending Canadian’s on wild hunts for tunnels and bridges that don’t exist. Finally we got to a high point, found the biggest road from there and drive to it. It was the I-5 and we were saved. Got to the hotel and heard that Brie’s dad was gunna drive her out. Thank God, I don’t think I coulda made another trip through Seattle. That night we all went for food at the red lobster. I made a few lobsters fight to the death to see which one I would eat. (Don’t worry I didn’t actually do that, to be honest I just picked the one who wasn’t looking at me cause I didn’t wanna see his eyes.). After that we picked up some beer from the seven eleven and had a party in the hotel. Playing drinking games to I Know What You Did Last Summer. Honestly, the clothes they wore in that movie.
The next day we flew out to Mexico. With what was supposed to be a brief stop in Dallas. Did you know they don’t have fuel gauges on their planes in Dallas? Yeah apparently we needed to change planes cause the one we were on didn’t have a working fuel gauge. I mean what the hell. Another weird thing about Dallas planes, or rather their pilots, they run on pure coffee. No really, we couldn’t take off until the two pilots had drunk their volume in coffee. I think it had to do with a previous co-pilot. But after those problems we land in Puerto Vallarta and walk through customs like they weren’t even there. Later on I realized it was cause anything we wanted to smuggle in was actually being sold in a van just behind the customs line.
The cab ride to the Hotel was nothing special. Nothing special that is, if you’ve been in a life or death situation for a solid ten minutes. The entire time we’re flying round the roads weaving through traffic which is weaving through traffic; a dance which is oddly hypnotic and could be relaxing, if you weren’t in it. We arrived alive though, and no lost luggage either; although somebody stole my flashlight. I mean come on, I brought the purple one so nobody would steal it and some airline guy stole it. What’s with that? It’s purple. At the hotel we all check in. Turns out me and Garreth own some time share there or they think we’re royalty and we get the massive room. Meanwhile the other groups get stuck with the nice little cozy ones. I’d say they got all got screwed and feel bad, but really, it was that we were blessed, and we felt good. After settling in it was time to get some food and get some booze. Since we got in at 12:30am Sunday morning, the bar was closed. That meant in order to get our drink on we had to go downtown. Not a problem right? Well… that meant getting back onto the Mexican roads. |
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| So maybe there's a little angst left in me |
[Feb. 8th, 2006|06:36 pm] |
| [ | current symptoms include |
| |  thoughtfull | ] |
| [ | the voices are singing |
| | The Vibrators - Automatic Lover | ] |
If you think about what an idea really is and where it comes from you’ll find that every idea has to be created in your own mind. You physically connect lines of thought in your brain and allow for the passage of chemicals and the process of reactions to form a bridge to link preexisting thoughts together to form this new idea. Ideas are very very internalized. Maybe idea isn’t the word to use here. It seems that idea is often something that can be shared by a collective even tough that is physically impossible. There’s no chance that everyone has the exact same idea. They have a similar view on a certain subject, maybe that’s what an idea is.
Point is that for one person to have a similar point of view as you do you need to bring up your idea in a manner which will convince them that it is true. If you can give your whole understanding of what your idea is there is a good chance that the person you are communicating with will pull up past experiences and link them together in a similar way that you have. Hence the lesson can be learned.
Here I could split off on a number of tangents regarding this subject. There is the idea that an idea is then something similar to a genetic code. The best ideas are the ones that survive. They hold up to all scrutiny and can evolve. They are passed on and proliferate. The physical example of an idea is then the specific arrangements of neurons connected to a conditioned array of brain tissue that when subjected to a specific impulse will react the same way as the original idea would predict. Does this mean it’s possible to read minds depending on the physical structure of a brain?
Another such application of this idea of the formation of links within one’s brain based on the communication with somebody else is the act of convincing. Often I’m given advice from my peers. Things they think I should do, advice on what I could do. This is an idea they hold however often I don’t hold the same idea. It isn’t until I physically connect the thoughts together than I can hold this idea with a level of understanding that lets me use this idea. Bottom line, it doesn’t matter what you say if I never reach the conclusion myself.
This has been a re-occurring idea of mine for years. I can’t do what you say to do unless I come to the understanding of it myself. You cannot physically connect the thoughts in my head, I must do that myself. The most common place this comes up in my thoughts is that of faith. People that have faith have a connection that in fact anyone in their right mind cannot understand; At least not to a point of using that particular faith in their own logical reasoning. What I just said I firmly believe is infallible. You cannot share the same faith as another person if you wish to decide things on a logical basis. In fact I might even venture to say that true faith is completely illogical itself. It’s possible to act without having absolute logical backing behind what you do. Many times in a clinch it is required. Faith though implies acting without any logical background behind it. Doing things that are detrimental to you for the sole purpose of following some handed down doctrine.
I have no problems with people sharing ideals. I just thing there is a severe lack of background work done by everyone to come to these ideals. Simply following an order does not show understanding. If you truly wish to act in a particular fashion without personally connecting the ideas behind why you should do it then you are only acting on faith. It may get you through your life but then you haven’t added to your life at all. You’ve simply been the same thing everyone else has, only maybe a new combination of them.
Everyday I see people doing what they’ve been told is best. It is very rare that I find people who are doing what they know is best. Those people are the ones who will add to their lives. Those are the people who have a chance of making a difference. The rest of the people just float along. Frankly... they can make me sick sometimes. How can they take this great chance and squander it. I used to think that simply dying meant losing the chance to live, it turns out it’s much easier than that. |
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| The Surreal Split |
[Feb. 8th, 2006|12:00 am] |
| [ | current symptoms include |
| | mexican | ] |
| [ | the voices are singing |
| | Celtic Fiddle Tunes | ] |
It seems like the weekends have become an alternate life for me. During the week my life is very focused on work, school and my outside life with my friends. During the weekend though, my priorities change significantly. School and work aren’t an issue at all. As far as my outside life with my friends it’s there but it’s completely different. It’s now party time, it’s now time to let lose. There’s longboard hockey, there’s the pubs and the bars, there’s Hogwarts. On the weekends I also make trips home. My life there seems so separate from my life here. It’s like I’m a completely different person. It’s so much easier at home, however I know if I were to stay there I would never get anything done. That sense of security there removes the need to do something with myself.
I’m sure most people have this split in their lives. There’s weekday you and weekend you. I just don’t know if the degree of the split is so vast for everyone. Then again does it really matter that much?
This upcoming weekend will be the most surreal of them all I think. It starts off with a night in Seattle. The Mexico crew and I are spending a night in Seattle before heading out the next day for our trip to Mexico. Hopefully we can hit up a good bar down there with Brie and make the flight out the next day a hung-over and therefore more enjoyable one. After that I’ll be in Mexico. Now that’s fricken surreal. I can’t wait for this trip. I’ve been looking forward to it for months now. Ever since the day I bought my ticket. Hopefully this idea of splitting Nicks doesn’t mean my memories will be split. I want this trip to linger around for as long as possible. |
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| Mosaic stress |
[Feb. 2nd, 2006|02:06 am] |
| [ | current symptoms include |
| |  2am-ish | ] |
| [ | the voices are singing |
| | Modest mouse - these walls are paper thin | ] |
This rant for some reason reminds me of when i was in high school.
There’s no such thing as the little things in life. Basically there are things in life. A bunch of them will add up and that will be a “big thing”. One of the big things in my life is getting a job where I can do things that I feel are consequential and that I enjoy. That’s the big thing. To get to that point there were some little things I did. I sat down and thought it out. I wrote down to myself what I wanted to do in life. I pondered it, little musings of the day. Eventually those musings solidify and became a grand scheme; to become consequential and enjoy doing it. With that in the back of my head I set off to do whatever came along.
I went through high school and did well in class. I needed to if I was going to be consequential. I applied to engineering. I did this because I was good at math and physics, in fact I enjoyed them. So if I was going to do something I enjoy, I might as well do something that has components I enjoy. Next came the tricky part, balancing becoming consequential with the enjoyment. I couldn’t very well work my ass off at school to get my degree, doing this wouldn’t be very good for my enjoyment. If I had to work that hard after I got my degree, I wouldn’t enjoy it. However, I needed to do well enough to become consequential. The thing is all I did was keep that in mind and do what came natural. I can honestly say I got here by being myself, in my final year, about to graduate from engineering. I’ll have a degree that will allow me to become consequential, and I enjoy the work I’ve been doing.
The big picture is really just a way of saying the sum of all the things we’ve done. The little things are far from little, they’re huge. They add up and make the picture that we have of our life. They’re also the only thing we have firm control of. You can’t tell what’s going to happen in the future, you can’t tell what effect everything will have. You can however be fairly certain that putting one foot in front of the other will get you further from one point and closer to another.
I guess I take a fairly relaxed view of the big picture. That’s only because I’m still heading towards what I want. The daily things though, the things I should have control over, or at least have the chance to control, I stress over those like nothing else. Worrying about them, mulling them over, and analyzing all the possible outcomes. Honestly though, there’s nothing more important then the choices you make. |
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| I'm back... sort of |
[Jan. 18th, 2006|12:25 pm] |
| [ | current symptoms include |
| |  Anti-Hero ish | ] |
With the way things have been going for me lately, and the mood I've managed to stay in I'd say it's safe to say that I'm doing better. Doing better allows for a few things. Most important it allows me to take on aspects of my life that I left behind due to the strain at the time. With this I plan to do things like learn an instrument, and write a lot more. It also signifies my triumphant return to saving the world. Or at least the return of me putting my effort into doing so.
And with that here is the first bit of thinking I did on saving the world... you can tell it's been a while cause the first bit of thinking I did involves doing exactly what we're already doing. Take a look, it kinda makes sense, it's kinda wacked out, but it's interesting nonetheless. Possibly more interesting than playing yet another game of minesweeper, although that's saying a lot. In any case it hopefully won't kill you to read it.
( The Model to Why The World Shouldn’t Be Saved ) |
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| The puck has dropped, the game is on. |
[Jan. 13th, 2006|12:16 am] |
| [ | current symptoms include |
| |  loaded | ] |
| [ | the voices are singing |
| | The Offspring | ] |
So I haven’t posted in quite a while. The main reason why was my hard drive. It crashed on me, something along the lines of it overheating, or something bad. Bottom line is that it stopped doing what it should do. So finally after the purchase of a new hard drive, and some installation and tweaking the computer is back up and running.
( The trivial stuff )
So that was the basic what’s happened since talk, there’s also been a fair bit of change in how I’ve been handling things lately. For once it’s really good news too. I don’t think I’ve been as stable as I have been lately in a long time. For once I can honestly say that this time, I’m not just rationalizing my happiness right now. Things are making more sense to me these days. For starters music has a different effect on me. That may have been the biggest example to prove to myself how things have changed. No longer am I sent into a depressive fit when I hear certain songs, or an angered rage when I hear others. Instead, instead of feeling what the artist is portraying in the song, I know what he’s portraying and understand just how somebody could feel that way. I’m still able to function and snap out of the song right away. I wouldn’t call it being cold and cut off, just a little more wary of letting my emotions fly off unchecked.
The big change for me has just been the day to day things. Functioning without worry of a panic attack, without worry of a crippling depressive mood that lasts a whole day. The longer things go on like this, the harder it is to describe what was wrong before. All I know for sure is that things are better. Things are clearer. |
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| The same as it ever was |
[Dec. 18th, 2005|03:28 am] |
| [ | current symptoms include |
| | sedate | ] |
| [ | the voices are singing |
| | Mindless self indulgence - You'll rebel to anything | ] |
I'm not entirely sure if this is good news or bad news, but the plain truth of it is, it’s big news. I haven't felt this content in years. I don't mean one or two years, I mean 7 or 8 years. Like back before I had seen any real hard times in my life; before I ever had any reason to put up defenses to protect myself. Nothing seems to concern me lately, maybe because after seeing how I feel now after all I have been through, then the trivial stuff I see has no chance of bringing me down. Not only do I feel a sense of being strong enough to take things on, I strongly feel that keeping in mind certain intentions whatever I do will get me through things. This is harder to explain than I thought but essentially I don’t think I could be happier considering what all has gone on and what time of the year it is. Even saying that makes me feel like I’ve developed a well adjusted attitude towards things.
Of course there’s a part of me that questions how I got to where I am. What is it that makes me feel this way now? I have a few theories. Most of them are pretty reasonable. One of them really stands out and whenever something stands out and is simple, it’s usually the right one. However, I’m afraid to mention it or think about it anymore. One thing that got me through a lot of my depression was a piece of advice from the one time I saw a counselor. “If the tiger isn’t hurting you, don’t go looking for it.” Essentially meaning when I felt happy, don’t question what makes me feel unhappy, it’ll only make my mind move towards being unhappy. I think in this case as strong and confident as I feel, I still don’t know if it’s a good idea to start poking around as to why. If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it and all those sayings. Sure maybe further down the road if things have been steady and up like they have been I’ll question it. For right now though I’m happy to take a breather and enjoy the fresh air.
With all that said you’d wonder how this could be anything but good news. Well I’m always cautious about anything I don’t understand. I’d like to think that’s what’s gotten me this far in life. One thing I’m cautious about is how dramatic this swing has been. Or rather the truth is I’m cautious about whether not this is in fact just a swing. I know through the years of my depression that I’ve swung back and forth. The first swing down was hard and fast and after that they tapered down and were gradual swings. After a while I started to notice that I was having larger swings upward. Meaning I would feel very elated at times after being depressed. These upward swings would get higher and higher. The subsequent swings down would also seem more and more disheartening. Each upward swing was different. There was always something about them that had a certain be all end all feeling to the swing. Like this was it, I’m finally out of it. Every time my mind would rationalize how this was different from all the other times. There would be something so clearly logical about it that I would know I had finally gotten through it all. However, as the evidence shows I would swing down again. Which would mean the next rationalization had to be that much more convincing to seem at all logical when time and time again it would fail.
With that all said there’s no way to prove that this is going to be it. Anything I say will just be a stronger rationalization to it all and possibly be another misleading lie. Sure this time around there are very clear indicators and very obvious points in my mind that make this seem like it should be the “be all end all.” The only way I can see that not being another lie to believe in is just to not consider it. There is no be all end all to something that is just a part of you. It just has a time. My depression I hope has had it’s time. It’s still very much a part of me. It just isn’t showing right now. Right now it’s easy enough to just accept every part of who I am as me. No cover ups, no shame, no regret. To be honest, it’s easier to do than I ever though possible to just be myself. |
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